it’s time to set things right.
i’m going to trust you on this, but i don’t like it.
it’ll be fine.
—
her blue eyes looked up at me, with the look of confusion.
“my little koala, i’ll tell you a secret.”
“what’s that?”
“remember that time i told you i could see the future? well, i lied. i can’t see the future,” i paused, leaned towards her and whispered, ” i make it.”
she smiled.
you know, if you’re using this place to find out how i am, it’s not a good idea. let’s be honest, i say (write) weird things. and though there are often grains (or even entire mountains) of truth, you can’t be sure on what is and what isn’t.
this is a place of introspection. it’s awkward and public, and i choose to use it to look inside of me. i’m sure there are things that make no sense to you. and they never will; this is not a place for answers, old friend.
i think you’d be proud of what i’ve become. you’re free to contact me anytime.
sorry kiddos,
life has been rather boring and uninspiring. i know you are very eager to see what’s next; however, not a god damned thing has happened that’s even remotely interesting to write about.
i’m not happy about it either. take that as you will…
so, what ever happened with her? why did you just give up?
i don’t know it seemed like the right decision.
what happened?
nothing. you know how some days you really want a hamburger, and then later in the day you decide, “eh, i don’t really want a hamburger anymore.” it’s kind of like that.
(laughter) i can’t believe you just compared her to a hamburger.
well, i did…
Today sucked, well not at the begging cause I was scrubbing a plastic lawn chair. So I felt like I was alive) until. My body hurts like fuck en pain. It saddens me to know I am old, let alone, I have nothing and what it is is in a storage, and I can’t use it. I thought about my 2 same chairs, ha said, mmmm I already cleaned these, and said, dam I really hope Jason is keeping them clean cause they were my moms.(. Then dam I never got a invite over for something home cooked..? Talk about disrespect, umm shit I am your mother like it or not, to bad I didn’t want my mom and dad for my parents.! This didn’t stop me, I still had a call every tue at 8 pm. Then Sunday’s . My mom always made a point to call. I don’t have any numbers. Shit I don’t know any dam thing about my sons! It killed me, yes honestly it broke my heart bad.(. I am empty, lost, afraid, then careless, shit really when driving, is not well, focus, I can’t.. Not on anything, it sucks …(. Will I have to have some or I wouldn’t of been out side working so hard. Knowing I wouldn’t feel any better then the other summers, me out back, I loved it.) I miss it.( life goes on…. Moving forward, shit I freak, I am alone, ((((((. I never been alone before. I never had to figure out what the he’ll my next step will be. Now I am homeless fucking homeless.! And look what I am able to see. My own son never invited me over or my daughter in law. Shit I learned from my mom and women know these things. A man goes with the women, I lose him to her family.(. Not always..). Cause my child who grew inside me, gave birth to, feed, clothes, bathed, burped, diapered, fuck I put myself on hold. Stupid of me, I lost me. Who I am, and look the ungrateful brats it is so very disappointing . When I saw martys mom patty the other day, she said you wouldn’t happen to be Becky would you,) we both said each others names it felt good. Until I was ashamed. When she said, how are the boys? I broke down, and she said, you did a great job with those boys. I cried more just tears,. And had to tell her, but what was there to say? Lost the house, Dorians in Australia jason around here, I was ashamed for your actions. Yes yours.. I am the mother as I said, like it or not. What is wrong with you, are you that fuck en evil? You do what to your mom? You mean your mother, tell me one person who besides your brother. Who treats and speaks their mom so wrong as you do to me. You let me down. I hurt, yes grieving for you, my son and son.. Lost my life, it was ripped apart, torn out from under me. My fault, I did a equity loan in 2006 when I only owed $54,000.00 dollars. Dam,,,,, Did what a mother was thought to do, raising my boys. Schooling, drove to and from both and work. They worked. It was a good thing. I couldn’t of bought them the things that they were able to if not. They got hired, took the job, I never said you need to get a job and find your own way to and from. Walk what ever..! I baked cooked they ate. Had nice stuff. Shit we had a beautiful home.). Yes we did. Dam I hate this mind of mine. I seem to not be able to control my thinking.! Its sad, dam it what is wrong whit you dude? You treat me like shit. Jason look how you speak about me. When I said Dorian was abroad and they don’t talk to me. They don’t care, I did every thing wrong I married their father that dead beat ass hole. Shit I missed a conversation. Next thing I knew every thing I ever did was wrong, I fuck Ed up bid time. Too bad I can. You can’t and you are not my son if you don’t take a good long look deep inside of you and think. Really look see think. Yes I did much that was very sad to do to my boys. They just tried to help me from my sadness. And I was a fuck en ass hole from hell. Yelling telling them to take it down, now. Fuck I been depressed all my life and look what my life gave me after I did every dam thing I thought was the right thing as a single mom. Condemn me why? Why do as you do? I have a love that you will never know! Fuck you I am pissed …!!!!! Angry mad, hurt lost empty I don’t have any drive left to live. I lost this. Only my fault, honestly no its not.! You have and still are treating me your mother who honestly could do the worst thing in the world and you are to always respect her. No matter what! Always.
My life has no meaning any longer, nothing is here, I have nothing.
You thought have time on earth. One day your eyes will open up wide. Sorry to tell you, you will cry. It will either come out one way or the other way for you cause I will be dead and gone.
No matter what I love you. Honestly I am so very disappointed in my boys.
It’s a very difficult issue to live now I am alone in life. Not even a call. Email. Pic. Nothing.
Nothing at all just pain in the heart. Life is so very fast, and the days fly by the older you are. Where is the love laughter care trust. No matter who did what? Every one makes mistakes, big ones and small ones until the day of death.
Yes I can say I did try more then.
Knowing myself, I left many things left unsaid..?
“i think this is a bad idea. i was just getting used to the idea of you two not speaking”
“it’s going to be different this time.”
is it? is it different?
she’s in your arms. her jet-black hair falls across your leg. she’s crying. you hold tighter.
what the hell are you getting yourself into now?
she’s cold. you lay next to her on your bed and wrap yourself around her; your fingers intertwined with hers.
this will only end badly.
you both fall asleep only to be awoken by the sound of a barking dog.
her scent lingers on your clothes and on your pillows. this won’t last long; breathe deep and cherish it.
—
give her everything.
or give her nothing.
you’re gonna carry that weight.
my younger brother just finished school, will have a career, and just got married.
i (on the other hand), traveled halfway around the world (on a whim), have YEARS of schooling to complete, take random jobs to get by, and go clubbing, all while trying to avoid stds (so far quite a successful evasion, i might add)
i rather like my version of adulthood.
so i’ve been thinking(…) i kind of like you again (…)
i was afraid of that… and idk what to say… Bc being here is much easier when i have you in my life(…)
i was afraid of it too…
it was you and me. and for some reason you decided to finally answer me with the truth. the truth i had been asking for. it was the truth i already knew, but i needed to hear it from your lips.
and you told me everything. and you kissed me.
then i woke up.
asleep again- you continued to talk freely as you and i once did.
awake
asleep- you were back- it flowed forth like a torrent of water.
but really it wasn’t you. it was my construct of you. it was what i wanted of you. it was what you could never give to me. the you i hoped you to be. the you that i fooled myself in believing was real. i know who you are now. i know what you are worth- nothing. stay out this place; you aren’t welcome anymore and haven’t been for a long time.
more like u do say whatever the fuck you want and don’t give a fuck what other people think.
yes, i do say what i want. i never really realized it until now…
–
better watch yourself- you’re liable to to sued…
i know what i’m doing.
the entire school knew u were talking about __ and __ in that article
again, i know what i’m doing.
still can’t believe u published that… and that ___ didn’t get pissed
again, i know what i’m doing 
Ah yes, u always know what ur doing, huh? 
not always, but enough of the time.
–
see? that’s all you have to do- just let it roll off. and be confident in your actions. you can’t believe i published that? i can. i mean, really? why the hell not? i liked it and was proud if it. (and it was better than some of that other drivel we published)
U got more balls than me, that’s for sure
two to be precsie
—
so just bc you think you know , doesn’t mean you do
well, that goes for everyone, but u you know people r gonna make assumptions
and i don’t care. but you knew that.
i know what’s real to me. and what’s important. well, that and doing what i want- (luckily) it only gets me in trouble some of the tome.
time
also, the thing is people will make assumptions all damn day. i might as well make the rules and give them something to talk about
