this am

it’s very quiet on this end. i expected more.

from what little info i can gather things aren’t going well at the front.

i don’t like this. not a bit.

lots of good memories at this place.

lots of bad ones too. really bad ones.

but more good than bad.

and that’s why i miss it and what it stood for.

dice

it brings me to a place i’m afraid to go. a place i’ve been. i’ve wanted to go back. i’ve tried to go back. i fail every time. but i still believe.

you must know what i think about. you must.

breathe in the air if you care, you compare, don’t say farewell.

nothing can compare
to when you roll the dice and swear your love’s for me.

en.d

you were brought up in conversation today. i have no idea why she always brings you up, but she does. and after that i couldn’t help but think about you.

you know (pause) i always figured you’d ruin the ending i planned for us. you’ve been so good at ruining the other endings i had planned i figured you’d do it here too. actually, to be honest, i hoped you would ruin this ending, just like i hoped you would ruin the others. but you didn’t. and i don’t think you ever will.

that day was so movie-like it couldn’t have been more perfect. our story was complicated. but of course, because it was us, it wasn’t complicated in the normal way. it was complicated in our way. it was different. you were different.

nowadays i don’t think about you like i used to. i can’t. there’s no point.

though i will wonder about you every so often.

stolen

i’ve been robbed before. it made me angry. and frustrated.

this time was different. my own fucking home stole from me. and all i can feel is sadness. why would you steal from me? why? you know me, or you know someone that knows me.

i’m in another fucking country. alone. and i’m going to send my dog over in a matter of weeks. do you have any idea how expensive that is going to be? the money in that envelope was given to me by people that wanted to help me. it wasn’t much, and really, it wouldn’t have made a drop in the bucket. but it meant something.

with people like that there, there is just no point in going back. i will never return to the uc davis veterinary medical teaching hospital ever again.

peeps

i like you guys. and i’ll tell you why:

no one comments, yet i get many pageviews a day. no one comments and i get private emails, and i get pulled aside to discuss what i write.

you’ve got to remember something- just like with (my) other blogs (shirts), not everything here is real. not everything here happened to me. sure, things have happened word for word, but other things are inspired. i have muses. i write about them. i write about my thoughts and what i dream about. and a couple of things (i’m not proud of this) were someone else’s idea. i just took it to another level. i’m proud to say that other than the couple of ideas that weren’t mine, everything else was. and while i like to give you some idea of what i’m doing and where i’m going i know i don’t have to. and i’m not going to do so every time.

i sometimes write to get a reaction. i will write to be a shit. don’t forget that.

and other times it’s exactly how i feel. don’t forget that either.

i don’t know how things will change now. i’m in a different hemisphere. two different hemispheres.  i’m away from everyone i know. i left people behind. people (a person) i would die for. and i think about them, a lot. i want to write about them and what they mean to me. and i will.

but i’m afraid that i’ll let too much out right now, when things should stay quiet. so i’ll pretend as i always do, and did. and i’ll tell you the truth, and i’ll lie.

this is absolutely true: i’m deeply honored you are all here. i hope you stay.

i put my feet in the indian ocean today

that’s three oceans i’ve touched. at least, i think three. i’m pretty sure i’ve been in the atlantic at least once, when i was very young.

i’m opening a new blog (hopefully a week or two) to document my travels.

i’ll let you know when and where

to jma

“i wonder if forever is a couch where we can sit and laugh at crazy, stupid things.”

dead

as you know i’m planning to sit on a very long flight very soon. and yes i’m pissing my pants about it.

the rules are similar to last time:

if i die-

no one is responsible for my debts- that’s the freakin law

ever is going to live with tina (1 cup purina one chicken NOT PRO PLAN; EVER IS ALLERGIC TO PRO PLAN, every am and pm with water added)

feel free to go through the last of my possessions- lots of really good kitchen stuff. don’t feel sad- i want you to have it.

if my computer somehow makes it through- destroy the hard drive. i mean fucking smash the platters. yes there is porn, but i don’t really care if you see it. however, there are some very important files that if placed in the wrong hands bad things will happen; you’ll never be able to find them- just kill the hard drive.

my facebook is to be taken down, NOT put in memorial mode. i want it gone and if you don’t get rid of it, you’ll feel like shit for not doing it.

the turtle and tortoise society (inland empire chapter) is to get $500/year until my bank account is empty (that includes retirement accounts- fidelity).

no funeral.

edit january 26-27:

my facebook can be put in memorial mode if and ONLY IF jan is the person running it.

stylo (gorillaz)

new gorillaz in march. that’s pretty awesome. i can’t embed it as youtube won’t let me. and i’m sure if i use another site that allows it, it will be taken down.

so just go here:

stylo (gorillaz)