Today sucked, well not at the begging cause I was scrubbing a plastic lawn chair. So I felt like I was alive) until. My body hurts like fuck en pain. It saddens me to know I am old, let alone, I have nothing and what it is is in a storage, and I can’t use it. I thought about my 2 same chairs, ha said, mmmm I already cleaned these, and said, dam I really hope Jason is keeping them clean cause they were my moms.(. Then dam I never got a invite over for something home cooked..? Talk about disrespect, umm shit I am your mother like it or not, to bad I didn’t want my mom and dad for my parents.! This didn’t stop me, I still had a call every tue at 8 pm. Then Sunday’s . My mom always made a point to call. I don’t have any numbers. Shit I don’t know any dam thing about my sons! It killed me, yes honestly it broke my heart bad.(. I am empty, lost, afraid, then careless, shit really when driving, is not well, focus, I can’t.. Not on anything, it sucks …(. Will I have to have some or I wouldn’t of been out side working so hard. Knowing I wouldn’t feel any better then the other summers, me out back, I loved it.) I miss it.( life goes on…. Moving forward, shit I freak, I am alone, ((((((. I never been alone before. I never had to figure out what the he’ll my next step will be. Now I am homeless fucking homeless.! And look what I am able to see. My own son never invited me over or my daughter in law. Shit I learned from my mom and women know these things. A man goes with the women, I lose him to her family.(. Not always..). Cause my child who grew inside me, gave birth to, feed, clothes, bathed, burped, diapered, fuck I put myself on hold. Stupid of me, I lost me. Who I am, and look the ungrateful brats it is so very disappointing . When I saw martys mom patty the other day, she said you wouldn’t happen to be Becky would you,) we both said each others names it felt good. Until I was ashamed. When she said, how are the boys? I broke down, and she said, you did a great job with those boys. I cried more just tears,. And had to tell her, but what was there to say? Lost the house, Dorians in Australia jason around here, I was ashamed for your actions. Yes yours.. I am the mother as I said, like it or not. What is wrong with you, are you that fuck en evil? You do what to your mom? You mean your mother, tell me one person who besides your brother. Who treats and speaks their mom so wrong as you do to me. You let me down. I hurt, yes grieving for you, my son and son.. Lost my life, it was ripped apart, torn out from under me. My fault, I did a equity loan in 2006 when I only owed $54,000.00 dollars. Dam,,,,, Did what a mother was thought to do, raising my boys. Schooling, drove to and from both and work. They worked. It was a good thing. I couldn’t of bought them the things that they were able to if not. They got hired, took the job, I never said you need to get a job and find your own way to and from. Walk what ever..! I baked cooked they ate. Had nice stuff. Shit we had a beautiful home.). Yes we did. Dam I hate this mind of mine. I seem to not be able to control my thinking.! Its sad, dam it what is wrong whit you dude? You treat me like shit. Jason look how you speak about me. When I said Dorian was abroad and they don’t talk to me. They don’t care, I did every thing wrong I married their father that dead beat ass hole. Shit I missed a conversation. Next thing I knew every thing I ever did was wrong, I fuck Ed up bid time. Too bad I can. You can’t and you are not my son if you don’t take a good long look deep inside of you and think. Really look see think. Yes I did much that was very sad to do to my boys. They just tried to help me from my sadness. And I was a fuck en ass hole from hell. Yelling telling them to take it down, now. Fuck I been depressed all my life and look what my life gave me after I did every dam thing I thought was the right thing as a single mom. Condemn me why? Why do as you do? I have a love that you will never know! Fuck you I am pissed …!!!!! Angry mad, hurt lost empty I don’t have any drive left to live. I lost this. Only my fault, honestly no its not.! You have and still are treating me your mother who honestly could do the worst thing in the world and you are to always respect her. No matter what! Always.
My life has no meaning any longer, nothing is here, I have nothing.
You thought have time on earth. One day your eyes will open up wide. Sorry to tell you, you will cry. It will either come out one way or the other way for you cause I will be dead and gone.
No matter what I love you. Honestly I am so very disappointed in my boys.
It’s a very difficult issue to live now I am alone in life. Not even a call. Email. Pic. Nothing.
Nothing at all just pain in the heart. Life is so very fast, and the days fly by the older you are. Where is the love laughter care trust. No matter who did what? Every one makes mistakes, big ones and small ones until the day of death.
Yes I can say I did try more then.
Knowing myself, I left many things left unsaid..?
