“oh, you will one day.”

dear new parents, and especially those with no college education,

do not ever, EVER, tell me that i will want children one day.

 

for as long as i can remember i didn’t want kids. i don’t like them. they smell. they are expensive. and they require near constant care. that fact that i don’t want children has become a joke to my friends, which is fine. i laugh about it too.

 

my problem is when people that hardly know me tell me that i will want children. that i will change my mind because they knew someone like me. know someone like me? who is that person, and how is he like me?

* is he planning on attending professional school?

* did he decide at the drop of a hat to move across an ocean?

* does he hate the idea of family because of such a fucked up childhood left him with the idea that all families will fail miserably? and the ones that don’t appear to fail are just very good at hiding it?

 

what’s that? no? oh.

i have a life. i want to live it.  i’m not acting like a sixteen year-old. i have plenty of responsibility and i will only add more with the years to come.

 

i don’t have a life plan. it’s more of a road map.  some roads are wide open. others are filled with traffic. i enjoy the paved ones, but dirt can be fun too. i’m not sure if i will go left instead of right. nor do i know which roads will be blocked when i get there. however, i can tell you this- in my car there is no space for a child seat.

 

mental floss part deux

i ran out of floss last night. this wasn’t a problem as i had an extra container under the sink. “easy glide,” was written across the package.i had never used “easy glide” floss before but it seemed enticing.

i pulled off a length and was ready to go. but it slipped out from between my fingers. “that’s odd,” i thought. i tried again with the same result. this stuff is so smooth it’s practically impossible to hold onto. i knew i had another package under the sink (which is another story in itself). i breathed a sigh of relief- it was target brand. “there’s no way the cheapo stuff will work like the brand name stuff.” i was wrong, horribly wrong. what was i to do? i had chicken wings earlier; i needed to floss. there was an option. i was at the dentist earlier in the month. they gave me a bag with a toothbrush AND floss. i was saved. there is no way they’d give that stuff out.

i was wrong once more.

by this point i was incredibly frustrated. i was ready to give up on flossing for the evening. however, i knew it was the wrong thing to do. i grabbed a pair of hemostats from my kitchen and ratcheted down on one end and gripped as tight as my fingers could bear on the other. success! until the hemostats cut through the floss.

—

don’t use this shit. yes it “glides” between your teeth; however, it “glides” out of your fingers as well. it’s crappy and worthless. man up and get the regular floss. you’ll be glad you did.

weather

“well, if it’s summer we wouldn’t call this hot, but in spring these temperatures are definitely hot!” um, no you dumb bitch. 96 degrees is 96 degrees. it doesn’t matter when it occurs, it’s still 96 degrees. therefore if you don’t care for temps above 85 degrees you will feel quite warm no matter if a 96 degree day happens today, tomorrow, july or fucking december.

i hail from the deserts of the south; i like this weather. but that’s beside the point. what was my point? i’m so pissed i can’t even remember. oh right, you are a stupid bitch and all weather “people” are retarded liars. go to hell.

with all my heart,

~me

cakes

why does pre-made fondant taste like absolute garbage? can you tell me? you can’t? well that’s just great.

i’m forced to make it myself. it takes hours of labor, and it’s the messiest process ever.

i never planned on being a cake decorator. i was going to leave it to the professionals.  but now that i’ve started i have to prove to myself that i’m actually good.

2 hours later:

i found dried fondant on my chin…

that’s it, i’m not making any more fondant until i have a stand mixer.